Love Lie Bleeding...

So many people have themselves convinced they are being loving...when in truth? 

All they are doing is being selfish. 

It's a common trap for the delusional. 

No matter how you might dress it up as love...never mind to what degree you may have bullshitted yourself into believing your selfish ego gratification is some kind of 'love'...

If it satiates and indulges some thirst within you- to the eventual inexorable expense of the feelings, health and well being of another...?

IT'S NOT LOVE.  

It's not even SELF love. 

It's a goddamned lie.

No more lies.


It's actually fiendishly simple.

If it's done wholeheartedly, soulfully and willingly for the benefit of another human being??

It's love. 


If it's ALL for you?? 

It's NOT love. 

For that kind of self-love is no kinda' love at all. 

Period. 


And if you are not clear on the difference...then you do not yet have the emotional maturity to even USE the word love- let alone do it.


& you will keep being beaten over the head with this lesson until you learn.

& if you don't?


You will die alone and miserable...with only the memories of your self gratification to keep you warm.

While those you have 'blessed' with your 'love' and cast aside have LONG forgotten you...

ARDENUFF

It's not all beer and skittles being a foreigner.  

I remember when I was registering for the walk on Saturday, the lady at the desk asked my name.  

I said it, and spelt it out, as usual.  

She look at her papers a moment, and still in the 'L's...she asked me to repeat it.  

So I did.  

She turned a few pages in order to appear officious & still in command...but then looked at me again and gave a sheepish smile, stammering apologetically, 'I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you again!'  

So I repeated my name and the spelling, slowly, deliberately.  

"AY...ARR...DEE...EEE...ENNN.  

ARDEN."  

It felt like the Spelling Bee from Hell.  

Anticipating more blankety blanks, I then pointed to the letter A on a board behind her, and she nodded, & turned to the section with the 'A's...& I pointed out my name.  

It would appear- or so I was told today- the way we say 'A' sounds to an American like I am saying 'I'.  

It's can be a laborious affair- & this, in a country where we supposedly speak the same language!  

How the hell do people cope in a country where they do not share a common linguistic bond?

I feel like a prick even talking about this...because it sounds like I am suggesting the woman was thick...which I am not.  

& chances are...she may have felt embarrassed too.  

(& do you know...it never even OCCURRED to me to show her some form of ID!)  

I ALWAYS have my passport, name clearly printed inside!

So in the end...let's face it...

I'm the thick one!

Fear Sikh.

I'm pretty excited about tomorrow...

but also a little bit nervous. 

There is nothing to stop another nutter pinging off a few shots at random into the crowd at the Memorial Walk on Saturday- just like at the Sikh Temple last year. 

But like Johnny Blaze said- 'you can't be afraid of things'. 

ANY of the things. 


& that includes the Turbans. 


You see...

I better tell the truth...otherwise my word 'aint worth a damn. 


Whenever I see someone in a Turban or a Birka...

my heart rate goes up a few notches.


I tend to freak a little bit. 

I guess that is the media, the government, who have successfully demonised these people & indoctrinated us into believing they are all terrorists, and to watch out for them. 


I don't actually know anyone who wears a Turban, or a Birka.

I have never really taken the time to get to know them.
 

I am SURE they are nothing to be afraid of.
 

Which is why I am doing this.

In remembrance of those who died in the shooting at the Sikh Temple in Oak Creek one year ago...


& to reach out in the spirit of fellowship, community and understanding. 


I don't imagine that feeling of fear whenever I see a Turban will go away overnight...


But if I keep reaching out...

Overcoming my fears...


All that nonsense will eventually go away. 

Until there is nothing left but




LOVE.
  


http://www.chardhikala6k.org/

"Cant you do anything without posting about it??"

That was someone's post today.


My response??

John Warwick Arden can't we do anything and post about it without you posting about it?


But I didn't leave it there.

Couldn't.

John Warwick Arden my gripes about the post-anythingers? posting what they are EATING...& what they are WATCHING on TV. Who...dah fuck...CARES!!!!!! I care what you are CREATING! MAKING! WHAT YOU ARE BUILDING THAT WASN'T THERE BEFORE!! (sheesh. sorry.)

Ironic?

Sure is.


I post anything that occurs to my tiny brain.


But I can never resist a rant.

In the list of people you should avoid...

I would say I am DEFINITELY a bit of a drama queen.


LOVE drama!

Don't ask me why...don't know.

Why do my balls get itchy?

I WASH them, for heaven's sake!

Sometimes even TWICE a month!  Whether they need it or not!


Contradiction.

I love a rant...

& I am often ranting about hating people who rant.


Make no mistake...

If I rant??

It's never about you.

Something you might have said or did may have triggered the rant...


But you are not that powerful.

You are nowhere near as powerful as I am in being able to set myself off.


The fact is- & I have said it to many of those close to me...

I RANT because of some deep underlying dissatisfaction with myself.

That's the bottom line.


My father would kick the shit out of the family because he felt he had failed himself.


It's one of the oldest stories in the book.

I do much the same.

But it is getting better.


To be aware of the problem...to accept and own it...

Is half the battle.


The rant?

The little tantrums??


It's never about you.

It's me.


If I have a rant about people in the way I did above?

You can be pretty sure it is because

I...

am questioning myself.


Do I post too much?

Too frivilously?


DO I HAVE TO POST EVERYTHING?


Obviously- to some extent...

I do.


"I DO."

I am married to the word.

The only one who would have me.


I'm not so great with humans...least of all myself...

But YOU can walk away from me.

I can't.


So I married my mistress...

the word.


& man...I am PASSIONATE ABOUT HER.

Because she helps me cope with the human stew that is me.


Like any good partner...

She took me warts and all.

Just as I am.

In in her kind, gentle, patient way...


She is helping me be a better, more considerate, caring, patient man.


One day...

One post...

One BLOG at a time.


until i get it right.

Try Me a River.

It is probably worth nothing...

I feel I should point out, after some comments on yesterdays blog...

in case you hadn't worked it out for yourself...

My writing is OPINION ONLY.


Nothing more.


Just because someone puffs out their chest and speaks in an assured, semi-authoritarian manner...

Does not make their truth any but their OWN.

This is my truth.

If you connect with it...that is wonderful.


But I am only ever trying to make sense of the world and the way I fit into it...

Or not fit in...

Just like everyone else...since birth.


I am seldom if ever deliberately trying to dish out any universal truths.

It was NEVER intended to be some kind of New Age babble.

IMHO...the New Age is a new name for the Old Age.

Nothing new- it's the same stuff.


Neither is is meant to be amateur psychology.

Sometimes I admit it starts out like it...

But it unfolds into...

a kind of puzzle.


I especially liked yesterday's blog, because I had NO idea where it was going.

That is hardly scientific; or New Age.

I set out to write about one thing...

It quickly became something else...

& then it became something else again...

& it folded back over itself.

In a way...

It began as though I were making some kind of blanket statement about mental illness in general...

& it turned out to be an examination of me and MINE.


Sorry...but it's about me.

It's ALWAYS about me.

Who else could I write about with any authority?

I was talking about other people and the way they behave...

but it was me, and my behaviour.


My contradictory behaviour.


It was contradictory as hell.

And I LIKE that...

because IT'S THE TRUTH!

Most humans are CONTRADICTORY AS HELL!

I am one of the worst 'offenders'!!



So what is this stuff I write?

I have said a bunch about what it isn't.


I would like to think it is art...

but that is not for me to say.

Not qualified.


I am ONLY qualified to make this stuff...

whatever it is.

It's all I want to do.

I am DRIVEN to it.


"IMHO" is what it is.

ALL it is.

Nothing more.


Like I said...i'm not a psychiatrist

I don't care for them.

Even if it were actually possible to get in to see one.  


And my authority to speak on mental illness?

I HAVE a mental illness.

I have been told many times by many people.

& these are not psychiatrists...

So it must be true.


I am also of the opinion being a human being is a mental illness.

As I have said before...we are destructive creatures.

Only the mentally ill would allow war to happen,

& radioactivity...

& pollution...etc.


& much of my behaviour is not all that different.


But at least I am telling the truth about myself.

Admitting it.

Which is more than a lot of other people do.

& I am trying.

In fact...that is ALL my work is.


TRYING.


& I'm just fine with that.


   

Spin Psycho.

I'd like to say a few words about mental illness. 

I think it's important- because much bullshit is spoken about it, and we are likely to see a lot more of it as the planet slowly hands our poison back to us in spades.

I said a few days ago that I felt most of the species is bi-polar in nature.

I have not been diagnosed as such or anything...but my research leads me to conclude that I have many of the features of the so-called 'illness'. 

In fact, I think to a certain degree we all have it. 

I was chatting with a friend last night- someone I trust- & she agreed with me. 

She comes from a place of pure compassion- has admitted that she has 'not given up on humans'- & of course this much is clear, in her thought, word and deed. 

I'm about half and half; sometimes I have given up on them...other times, not. 

I'm with Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, as indicated in his amazing poem, "Ill Humour";

The devil take the human race!
Enough to drive you crazy!
Time and again I swear to God
I'm finished! through! with people.
They're God's affair. Their own affair.
Especially the devil's. But then I see a human face
And - back in love with people


I feel exactly the same. 

Depending on how I feel, what sort of day I've had, and what fresh hell it delivered unto me


But my friend...

Nary a harsh word uttered against her brethren.

100% unshakable faith in her species. 

Would that I could muster such unrelenting faith.

Too many cruel things have they rendered unto nature for me to be so totally forgiving.

And yet?

Some days I feel as though I can be. 

Like I said...depends on the day. 

How many among us not actual practicing, card carrying saints can say otherwise?


But my friend can.  

She talks the talk...& walks the walk.  The walk so very few of us can do. 

I know I struggle with it.

But in order to run...even fly...we have to learn to walk.


I trust her...because she has persisted with me. 

She has seen my passion, my intensity...& my loathing for deception, duplicity and lies that seems also to be a feature of human behaviour.

I have treated her...harshly...as a result of my abhorrence for any kind of lies or subterfuge...

& in the process dismissed her unfairly.  She reminded me of exercising care in what might seem like dishonesty- but is a mere matter of cultural difference.  A cultural difference, or a difference in interpretation, or perspective in the wrong hands can be dynamite.

She saw it in me, had the patience to lead me through it to a better place of understanding.

I have a lot of respect for that.

In my opinion...if you have been hasty in your judgement with a person...& you dismiss them, and they return to try to repair the damage done by the exuberance of your righteous indignation...

That says a lot to me. 

She saw something in me that was worth persisting with...& only a true mental case with no chance of redemption would dismiss someone like that again without working the issues through.

THAT is a gift.

This is all important to understand, if we are to continue with the phenomena that is mental illness.

Because it sets a keynote in terms of patience. 

I know first hand the importance of patience...& I try every day to be patient with others.

All I ask is that you be patient with me...& what I regard in myself to be NOT an illness or an affliction...but simply a peculiar personality trait. 

& hence...not something to necessarily be rectified.

I admit...I have anger issues; the reasons I have gone into many times in previous blogs.

I am working on them.


Many (most?) people are time bombs waiting to go off. 

Attuned and fine tuned to be on the lookout for the slightest hint of sabotage.

It's curious; we are beings who often loathe ourselves with a breathtaking passion...

& yet if anyone else dares to support our view of ourselves by attacking us?

We explode. 

We are complicated, contradictory beings, for sure.

Further to this...we are at all times on the lookout for dishonesty.

In fact, you could argue we regard it as a full time job- mainly in my view, because it is the one thing we fear most in ourselves. 

We are so sensitive to it, largely I think because we have seen the damage this conduct has done in our own lives. At least- this is the case in my own case. 

Hence- in order that we do not see this damage repeated outside ourselves, we smite it. 

Swiftly, decisively. 

Arguably hastily, in some cases. 

On FB...this is known as blocking. 


Recently...an ex-friend of mine said of me, "you burn bridges like a pyromaniac."

& of course- this came from a woman with severe mental issues, who was unwilling or unable to deal with those issues...or anything else I might urge her to do...

because the mentally ill will not be told.

How many times have you heard an ill person refuse to take their meds because they are 'fine now'...when it is obvious to anyone else they are not???


Now...I don't dismiss what people with a mental disorder say outright.

Because very often, they are people who have SEEN the truth...& it has put a zap on their brain from which many do not recover. 

When we confront the lies we have lived...the inauthentic lives we have led in order to not rock the social boat that has carried us on the seas of cultural expectation & obligation...

We often capsize when we see how far we have drifted from the shores of our own inner truth. 

So?  These people often have valuable things to say. 


I burn bridges like a pyromaniac?

Possibly. 

But I don't see the point of leaving a damaged, dangerous bridge left standing. 

Why approach a bridge in disrepair and attempt to cross it again?

So...if I see any evidence of damage in a person...

DAMAGE I SIMPLY HAVE NO HOPE OF EITHER FURTHER TRAVERSING OR REPAIR... 

Like a damaged bridge, I will no longer step out upon it.

Such a person?  I let them go.

WHY??

Let me tell you. 


I am NOT a doctor.

Or a psychiatrist.


Nor would I want to be. 

These people have just as many- if not more- issues than their patients. 


I am NOT an authority on mental illness. 

Nor do I CLAIM to be.

I would no more offer advice on someones mental issues than I would perform brain surgery on an aneurysm with a Stanley knife.


I am simply not qualified. 

When someone indicates severe mental issues to me?


I am as patient as I am able to be. 

But people...

THIS IS SERIOUS. 

We are talking about people's MINDS!


Their LIVES!!


If it becomes obvious that a friend is experiencing severe mental issues...

(& you know what I'm talking about.  Obsessive tendencies, inability to talk about certain issues without triggers being set and them going off on rants, losing their temper with you over issues that anyone else would regard as petty...anger and abuse...

and it tends to go on...

and on...

and on...)


You do NOT have to persist.   

Nor should you. 

You will only damage yourself, and enable them by persisting. 


UNLESS YOU ARE TRAINED PHYSICIAN AND HAVE ENTERED INTO A CONTRACT OF THERAPY...

you have an obligation to DECLINE.

Simply opt out. 

say no. 

You OWE it to the person. 

And DO NOT be tempted to entertain such notions as,

'oh what if he/she does something to her/himself?

I could NEVER live with myself!'


No. 

What if you failed to step out of the picture, in in the course of one of your exchanges, that person BLOWS THEIR BRAINS OUT ALL OVER THE KEYBOARD?


For some people...there is NOTHING you can do. 


They are in such a profound state of emotional and mental turmoil...

there is probably nothing ANYONE could do for them. 


That is sad...but true. 


The saddest thing of all?


Is that many of these people are masters of duality. 


My father was a 'street angel, house devil' as Gothe put it.


He was a rabid sociopath and wrought severe emotional and physical harm within the family...


& yet to anyone else?

he was nice as pie. 

A swell guy.


Sadly...you will not only meet these people...

& they will allow their issue to run rampant on YOUR FB page and PM board...

But when you have dealt with them? 


They will go running to others to tell them about their unceremonious, unwarranted and profoundly unfair 'blocking'. 


Anyone with any measure of mental health will take the blocking as a sign that compatibility is not an option...let it go...& move on. 

But the mentally ill will hang onto it FOREVER.

They will run to their friends, bleat to them...


Maybe even have those friends contact you, asking

'what did he/she do'???


What they really mean is 'what did YOU do?'


Because in all likelihood... they have appeared to be perfectly sane in their wounded pride and indignation at the injustice, and told THEIR friends (often mutual friends)  of how they have been dreadfully wronged.

& before you know it...the enabling continues, when they ask  YOU what is wrong with YOU.


Some people simply don't mix. 

that is a fact. 


I might be a wonderful friend to you...

But to another? 

I might simply not mix. 


The chemicals simply do not gell.


Why persist if it simply doesn't work out between you?


What...are there no other people out there to meet?

Of course there are. 


If it 'aint working...don't break it even more. 


Walk away. 


THIS is called better mental health. 


For everybody.


& if someone keeps at you...the cycle of illness perpetuating...until it pulls everyone else into the spin cycle as well...


If you feel yourself being pulled into a mix you do not want to be in?


If it is unhealthy?



You have an obligation to close the lid and WALK AWAY.


You have your OWN dirty laundry to concentrate on...




& the saddest thing of all?


This blog of mine...these thoughts...

might all be the delusion of a man with profound and irreversible mental illness. 

I might have the dirtiest laundry of all.

You never really know.

I have already confessed I am from questionable stock.

So?

Bottom line?
 
If I EVER hurt or harm you...

Physically or emotionally in thought, word or deed...


& you cannot take it anymore...


I have told you what to do.   


SO DO IT. 


Close the lid, and walk away.

  

  





      

  

Setting Son...

I just thought I would share this beautiful sunset with you, after all that summer rain. 

 

 

Isn't it amazing, how subtly the colours change in a matter of only a few minutes???

I bid you good night, sweet dreams, & my most heartfelt thanks for you taking an interest in my writing, and thank you for the amazing discussion afterward. 

I truly think my craft is getting better day by day, & that is a direct result of your input. 
How on earth does a writer improve unless people read it? 

& even BETTER if it generates some fun and fellowship! 

Today has been bitter sweet...but at least I can retire with such beautiful colours in my life. 

Sweet dreams, my dear friends. 

You make my life worth living.