Methinks...
something is missing, as I make my way to Nova Scotia.
It's been FAR too long since I did something for others.
Feeling too full of myself, and resting on my laurels.
What fuckin' laurels?
My Laurel and Hardy's, maybe.
I'm a joke at the moment.
It's been a long hard road this trip...
tough going with a great number of disappointments...a lot of miles covered, with not much to show...
a great many unsuccessful attempts to get some solid things happening...(close...but not quite)
But that doesn't give me the right to be a prick.
I have lost traction, and am falling behind in my goals, aspirations, obligations and tasks as I travel.
These things take time when you follow your dreams.
One step forward...three steps back, with a rolled ankle to be going on with.
Dispatches from home tell me there's an ugly storm brewing for me to deal with...
& I have a couple of worrying lumps on my right nut.
This has darkened my mood a bit.
But my overblown and bloated sense of self seems to be turning me into an indulgent, short tempered- and maybe even a little 'entitled'- piece of shit.
I'm entitled to a fat lip, is what I'm entitled to.
When did I lose my way?
How far back??
I actually almost got my nose out of joint this morning because I couldn't get a toasted cheese sandwich on the train.
SFW.
The planet doesn't bow and curtsey to my every whim and desire.
(not my best moment, sure- but VERY luckily I pulled the iron out of the fire and turned it into a bit of a piss take.
& because I was an Aussie they bought it...and order was restored- the good humour maintained.
but still...)
Yikes.
Yes...this is who's blog you are following.
The good, the bad and the decidedly ugly.
Ugly as a busted arsehole.
Who the fuck do I think I am?
Not who I want to be, that's for sure.
I don't know exactly where I'm going, ultimately, as my plans and hopes fall by the tracks like the refuse in 'Emperor of the North'...
but right now?
This is NOT where I want to be.
I'm getting soft...crouched in these trains looking out the window like some kind of cut rate King Faruk.
Expecting the help to bring me my well-being on a friggin' tray.
Fuck that.
I've lost track of my work a bit, as well.
I think I need working on.
If it's broken...fix it.
& it IS broken.
Tomorrow?
Look into something charitable in the local area.
& get some writing done again.
Yesiree Bob.
If I died in my sleep from cancer of the balls tonight??
I can't say I am proud.
I need to straighten up, and fly right.
Or at least, train the main line no longer in vain, for as long as I'm on the tracks.
I can't let this happen again...
No blood on these tracks.
'the price of liberty is eternal vigilance.'
NOT infernal petulance.
