ME, ME, ME.

And another thing…

Something else has been nagging at me lately.

All too often, it seems that when I post- I post about myself.

You could argue, isn’t that what FB is all about?

What I’m doing?

What any of us are doing in any given moment?

Possibly.

So what’s the big deal?

What is nagging at me? A tick? A flea? Scabies?

Nope. Worse; the extent to which I talk about myself, & where I may fall short thinking of others.

I know that bothers me at times.

I noticed some people say something like, ‘Good Morning Everybody.’

‘How are you’?

I don’t do that much

Maybe I could. Should.

And yet…it is not really me.

It feels forced.

Like eating my greens; something I should do…

Rather than something I want to do.

Is doing something you SHOULD do (rather than what you might WANT to do) not a good thing?

I mean…I might want to make love to that lady over there.

Do I just go ahead and do it?

No.

I ‘should’ be polite, and keep what I ‘want’ to myself.

What about if I have a pain in my brain, & I hold back from talking about it because I know I SHOULD keep it to myself…even thought I WANT to say something…

& then end up in hospital?

What about that?

It’s a fine line…

a case by case thing.

What we ‘want’ to do…

What we ‘should’ do…

The lines become blurred.

Generally, it makes sense to repress the things you want to do if they hurt others.

But what if that same repression hurts US as well??

I was chatting with someone yesterday, & ‘that person’ (& I speak of ‘this person’ in this impersonal, robotic legalese way because I KNOW she does not like talking about her ills), admitted not wanting to talk about their own ails and woes.

And yet that person seems to love talking about not wanting to talk about her ills.

Whereas me- I moan at the drop of a hat; can’t seem to help myself.

Who is right?

Which of us is healthier?

The better for our own actions?

Well, before we deal with that…let me talk about why I think I talk about what is bothering me, my ills and woes.

I mean, it’s a controversial point, this; there seem to be two opposing forces divided.

Those who talk about their ills…

And those who do not.

Who is right?

I talk about my ills.

Is it just simply to wallow in them?

I’m not so sure; I think there is a little more to it.

Stick with me now; huddle close, stay together, I think there might be something here for all of us.

I used to have an Aunty who would moan and complain about her ills.

It was the first time I heard the word ‘hypochondriac’.

Now…she is someone I consider the definition of the word.

I can’t hear it without thinking of her.

Now; as far as I can recall, she would moan and complain & do nothing.

And make everyone else around her ill with her moaning.

Not very useful.

This, I think, is why I am cautious about doing the same thing myself.

It can become tiresome very quickly.

You might be the same.

But seeing as how I have gone back in my time machine to get to the source of the Nile…

Let’s find out why I crap on about myself- if I know it is something I don’t want to turn me into my miserable Aunty.

Clearly there is a conflict here.

And conflict must be rectified.

While we are on family…

Let’s talk about Dad.

I have become accustomed to resisting ANYTHING my father ever said.

‘Don’t lie to me, son, lie to girls.’

‘Trust nobody’

‘The only language people understand is a smack in the head’.

OK. That kind of thing.

I figure if I ignore that…I’m OK.

One other thing he used to day…

‘Don’t complain, don’t explain, and NEVER apologise’.

Seemed reasonable at the time; I mean, he WAS my father.

What else did I have to go by as a kid?

Now I am an adult; and I make my own choices.

And if they are the exact OPPOSITE of anything he said…

then I should be on safe ground.

So, I seem to COMPLAIN, EXPLAIN, AND APOLOGISE.

A LOT.

But I’m an intelligent man; there has to be more to it. I refuse to believe I do it just to resist his faulty conditioning.

Or is that ALL it is?

Don’t forget, a LOT of us are raised to ‘keep it to ourselves.’

And I don’t want to place ALL the blame at the feet of my father.

Because I sincerely believe it is NOT all his fault.

There are hundreds, thousands; millions out there just like him.

‘DON’T TELL US YOUR LIFE STORY!’ a Sergeant of mine used to say.

As if what I say, feel, think, and do,

EVER DID…

Was meaningless.

How many of you out there bite your tongue?

Listen; for better or worse, I have created an environment of honesty, and candour here.

Mainly as a means of working on myself.

Working through certain issues, in order to be a BETTER MAN.

It’s not always easy, or palatable, but I do it.

Sure, I wonder if I am pissing people off; but they can always leave.

Because it feels like the RIGHT THING to do.

And in the environment I have created…

I have noticed other people are opening up to me.

Taking the ball and running with it.

And the message I am getting is that for a LOT of my friends…this is the FIRST time many of them have felt comfortable talking about themselves and their issues.

It got me thinking; why is that?

THEIR fathers?

All of our fathers?

ALL OF OUR FATHER FIGURES?

From our BLOOD parents…to our surrogate parents?

Law enforcement agencies, bureaucracy, corporations, government?

Telling us to ‘keep it to yourself’?

‘DON’T COMPLAIN, DON’T EXPLAIN NEVER APOLOGISE’.

Like good little citizens.

Sound familiar?

Got a ring to it?

How many people out there don’t complain because they;

1. Don’t want to bother others.
2. Don’t want to dwell on themselves.
3. Don’t feel worthy of attention.

Listen; I set out to change certain things about myself.

When an issue crops up, you can be pretty sure I will post about it.

Is it just to dwell on ME ME ME?

In my case, I feel more accurately it is a sincere effort to expose things in my thinking and behaviour that are not working for me, bring them out into the light, run them by my friends and peers, and then deal with them as they arise.

Like my issue with the ‘Poms’.

I was annoyed by something, I did not want to run the risk of allowing it to take over my thoughts, and sew the seeds of unhealthy thinking…

So I brought it out into the light.

And the negative thoughts are now gone.

BUT…EVEN if it was just about ME ME ME…

Or even if something you say is about YOU YOU YOU…

Why the hell not?

Do you not deserve to be heard?

I think you do; or you would not be here.

How many of you are holding back?

I see it all the time.

I know one young lady- she tells me she HATES talking about her problems….

And then she proceeds to do so, in great detail.

Sprinkled and punctuated by profuse apology and self-deprecation.

WHY??

Why apologise?

I LOVE to hear from her.

The good…& the bad.

That’s what friends are for.

Why do you hold back???

I mean, that’s a rhetorical question.

Ask yourself; WHY DO I HOLD BACK?

IS IT HELPING ME?

If not…why the FUCK do you do it?

It makes no sense.

Who are you saving it for? Some imagined opportunity to air your grievances in one fell swoop?

Might never happen.

Are you holding it back because some PARENT- blood, or elected- told you to?

IS IT HELPING YOU IN YOUR LIFE?

If not…

WHY DO IT?

If you learn nothing else from me…

I want you to think about…

To consider…

COMING OUT.

The best thing about coming out about my own issues, (and I DO NOT mean dwelling upon them like an electronic hypochondriac, but finding a way to work through them to a better healthier place) is not only that it I have been able to help MYSELF…

But others have felt the impulse to ask themselves some similar questions.

Make some changes.

And that requires NOT ONLY introspection and self-examination…

But the understanding, and the belief that YOU ARE WORTHY of telling your story, and WORTHY of transporting yourself through this self-examination and personal inventory to a better place…a better way of life.

YOU ARE WORTHY.

I AM WORTHY.

Let’s SHRUG off this bullshit notion that we are NOT (wherever the hell we picked it up) because it is not helping us…

And start talking more.

Working through it.

To a better place.

Why not? As long as you’re not STAYING there…building a home on this soggy loam…

As long as it is merely a temporary place to a better world…

WHY NOT??

Who are you really hurting?

Who are you really HELPING?

Perhaps more people than you know.

In time, we all might allow ourselves to do this.

Speak more freely about our ills.

And Heaven knows what healing we may achieve…

Peace.