You want a 'Secret'??? I'll give you a secret...

There are some pretty snide, brutal people out there, I'm afraid.

No getting around this fact. 

You likely already figured this out for yourself.


These bastards will try to change you.

Do their level best to make you feel you are unworthy.

They chip away at you...until you question everything you know in your heart to be true.

And it leaves you with...

Nothing. 

Standing on thin ice. 

No longer sure what to hold onto, or to believe in. 

With no solid foundation to build anything on.

Any kind of life...any kind of future.

   
These people challenge you with such enthusiasm and fervour...

Because they don't want you to be you...

Do you know why they do it?

Why they take time out of their busy day to focus on you????

To put shit on you...try to change YOU...?

I mean...let's face it; you know how hard it is to get anybody to do anything, right?

DMV, yeah??
People don't do SHIT unless there is a VERY good reason. 


Why else would they focus so much attention on you?


Hate?

Hate is fleeting. 

Once it is done with one person...it is hungry for another. 

Hate moves on from place to place, looking for fresh meat.


It's not hate. 

These swine keep at you...


Because you make them nervous.

You have something very special, very unique...

& they know it. 

& they want to cut you down to size. 

Until you are no longer able to be differentiated from the rank and file.


YOU stand out. 

& that won't do. 

This makes them very ANGRY.

Jealous. 

Bitter.

Your 'you' is so much better than theirs...& they know it. 

And it scares them to their very core.


You are a threat to them. 

The energy they spent gouging away at you...


That should tell you something right there.

you have a valuable commodity someone wants.

& if they can't have what YOU have...

Then they will try to capsize it.

Like a jealous ex-husband...who cuts his wife down in a fit of jealous rage. 

"If I can't have her...NO ONE ELSE WILL!"


If they can't BE you...

You can be pretty sure they will do everything in their power to bring you down.

So no one else can benefit from your gifts. 



& one of their best weapons?

Your OWN self doubt. 


Sometimes...for a variety of reasons...

we feel such loathing and hatred for ourselves. 

The venom of others sounds so good to us,

They make such a convincing case of it. 

We are tempted to join such a club, that would have us as a member.



But we have to be strong- against them...

The negative voices in our own heads...

& the people responsible for putting the voices there. 


It's about believing in yourself;  & dumping that negative self talk and self image.


I know it's not easy. 

I been wrestling with it so far 48 years. 

If it were easy...

I would be writing about something else.

This is what I am the most passionate about...

because it is the most present for me. 


The voices?

ALL the negative voices?

Fuck them. 


Don't give the bastards the satisfaction...

Believe in yourself. 

Be yourself.

LOVE yourself, your skills and your abilities NO MATTER WHAT.


& FUCK these haters. 

Sorry- but you MUST be firm. 

Assertive. 

 A friend of mine used to say 'fuck 'em and let 'em go'.

I would agree with that. 



They have no bidness messing in your bidness...

& I suggest you have no truck with them.

No matter how tempted you might feel to jump onto their bandwagon of hate against you.

Be yourself...

THE PERSON YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART AND SOUL TO BE TRULY YOU...

And you will prevail. 

Nothing else will suffice. 

 

Heart is Where The Home Is...

 

I get asked quite a lot on my travels...

 

"Do you get homesick?'

 

It must be close to people's hearts, this homesickness thing.
 

 

Or perhaps I am close to people's hearts. 

 

It warms mine to think people would be that concerned about my well being.

 

In reply? I tell them 'no'...but I don't really go into the full story. 

 

I will now. 

 

 

There is no such thing as homesickness when your actual home was a nightmare.

 

My memory of the horror that was my 'home' still gives me nightmares. 

 

I woke up with one last night. 

 

I suppose I always will; the legacy of domestic violence on a small vulnerable, impressionable child seems to last forever.

 

I can get through the day OK...

 

But nights...?

 

Some nights are forever. 

 

My life now is mostly good. 

 

I don't get homesick...because I'm not sure what it even is. 

 

I don't even know what 'home' is. 

Yesterday, I was having a can of Fosters and looking at some of the old beer commercials from when I was a kid. 

 

I get homesick doing that, occasionally. 

A sick feeling...a yearning for...
 

 

Something...lost.

 

Something that was.

 

Or maybe something that might have been. 

 

I can sometimes imagine what it would have been like, watching these very same commercials...

 

and TV shows...

 

& listening to the same music...


Through the eyes of a child NOT abused by his father.

 

I get a little...nostalgic for that. 

 

Whatever that is.

 

But I try not to dwell on it too long; what might have been. 

 

I figure it's OK to get a little wistful, every once in a while...

 

But really?

 

My life right now is as good as it has ever been.

 

In fact it seems pretty perfect. 

 

I'm not sure what I could possibly change to make it better. 

 

Do more to help others, I guess; but that is up to me.  

  

So...to a person who doesn't really know what 'home' is...

 

to a person who's present is so beautiful... 

 

If I had to give you some idea of what home might mean to me??

 

 

It's not a place as such...an actual physical place...

 

Let me put it this way. 

 

When I was a little boy, my dad would get me ready for school by pulling a comb viciously through my knotted sleepy time bed head. 

I would plead with him to stop, by saying something like

 

'my parting doesn't go there!!'

 

He would reply, growling,

'YOUR PART IS WHERE YOU PUT IT!!'

 

 

That always stuck with me. 

the rest of my life. 

 

I guess it always will. 

 

In order to live with the terrible memory of my father...I like to pull off little variations of some of the things he said. 

I would change this one slightly, to;
 

 

"Your heart is where you put it."
 

 

For when I think about it...my heart is my home. 

 

& I carry my home around with me like a trailer.

 

 

So really...wherever I happen to stop, and hitch my heart trailer?

 

That's my home.  

 

& it's the people I find there.

 

The kind souls who make me feel at home.

 

 

Unless I have a heart attack...or customs seizes my heart at the border...

 

I'll never be homesick again. 

 

No matter where in the world I am...

 

 

My heart is my home.

 

 

 

 

 

Love Lie Bleeding...

So many people have themselves convinced they are being loving...when in truth? 

All they are doing is being selfish. 

It's a common trap for the delusional. 

No matter how you might dress it up as love...never mind to what degree you may have bullshitted yourself into believing your selfish ego gratification is some kind of 'love'...

If it satiates and indulges some thirst within you- to the eventual inexorable expense of the feelings, health and well being of another...?

IT'S NOT LOVE.  

It's not even SELF love. 

It's a goddamned lie.

No more lies.


It's actually fiendishly simple.

If it's done wholeheartedly, soulfully and willingly for the benefit of another human being??

It's love. 


If it's ALL for you?? 

It's NOT love. 

For that kind of self-love is no kinda' love at all. 

Period. 


And if you are not clear on the difference...then you do not yet have the emotional maturity to even USE the word love- let alone do it.


& you will keep being beaten over the head with this lesson until you learn.

& if you don't?


You will die alone and miserable...with only the memories of your self gratification to keep you warm.

While those you have 'blessed' with your 'love' and cast aside have LONG forgotten you...