I never told a lie at 2 in the morning.
2 in the morning is a lie.
And so am I.
Listen.
I try to keep fairly positive, but the
truth is, well…
Let me put it this way; I usually post
exactly the way I’m feeling at any given moment. & people can tell what sort of mood I’m
in by what I say.
I know they can; I have heard them say it.
They must care, right? To even notice?
Then again, if there is one thing people
love…it is to catch someone in their insanity.
It’s a victory for their own mental health.
To catch another loon with his pantaloons
down is mental money in the bank.
I’m not here to win points…so I will speak
freely.
Loons around my ankles.
I carry a lot of darkness.
I know that. Because it is my truth.
I feel pretty dark most of the time.
People often tell me to lighten up- right around
the time they hit the lights and walk out the door.
And really…who can blame them for walking
out on me?
So…
Why So Serious???
It wasn’t just paedophile priests, abusive
parents, corrupt cops & fucked up relationships that bent me outta’ shape;
it’s more than that.
I think it is the fact that there is so
much hate…
& so little love in the word that has
cast a pall over my existence.
Now…is this reality…or simply my
perception?
Is there even a distinction between the
two??
You see, I have ALWAYS been sensitive; even
as a little kid.
When Dad would kick the shit out of Mum…I
used to feel it.
Funny that.
Even more than when he would get around to
me.
Look…
I can feel cruelty even when it is
happening in a foreign land.
I can FEEL it.
I’m not so sure it’s necessarily a bad
thing…
But I’m not convinced it’s all that good,
either.
It…
just…
IS.
Times have not changed as I have grown old.
People are still cruel to one another…
& I STILL feel it.
People are STILL kicking the shit out of
one another today…in far greater numbers than I ever imagined…and I feel it even
MORE now than I did as a child.
Now…
I would LOVE to be positive, think unicorns
and rainbows and Zen Koans…
But all I can hear is the sound of one hand
slapping.
If someone is suffering out there…
I can feel it.
I really can.
Well, actually- the Buddhists believe life
is suffering.
So…what about love?
More suffering.
I have tried love…but love seems to hurt
almost as much as hate.
Sometimes more so.
How the hell do they get so confused?
How do WE get so confused?
I have tried to love unconditionally…but
frankly?
I seem to be conditioned against it.
Maybe I should try loving air
conditionally.
Even when I try…
To love, I mean…
When I speak of love- people look at me
like I’m an insane person.
Who wants that?
I’m only human. I don’t want to be
ostracised.
For trying to love.
Is it really such a foreign notion?
How long will it stay so?
How long do I have to keep wandering about
in the darkness?
Where is everybody?
I am getting to the point where I am
wondering if it is really even worth going on.
A man is supposed to live 70 odd years…but
I’m getting really tired; & I’m nearly finished now.
I’m tired of all the hate and cruelty in
this world.
I can’t even find much love inside myself
any more.
And I have really been looking.
No gallstone unturned.
I can’t seem to do it properly.
Let go.
Let love.
??
I have let go.
I have held on.
I have waved my arms about frantically…
Like a boat person bobbing about in the icy
cold waters of disillusionment…
& I have tied them behind my back.
I have jumped up and down, and gone
placidly amidst the haste.
I have tried…& I have NOT tried.
I have yelled, and whispered.
I have loved…until it came out as hate.
I have hated…until love broke like new
dawn.
And then realised…it was not love
at all.
Camouflage.
I have hated love, and loved hate.
And vice versatile.
I’m not even certain where one ends…&
the other begins.
Who measures that?
And how?
How long does it take?
HOW MANY hearts break??
How many careless whispers, or misheard
lyrics?
When the heart strings become jangled…what
then?
When do we know?
How long do we beat each other up?
How long do we leave each other alone?
How many quiet places until we realise we
need each other…& how many madding crowds before we just go away?
The way so few human beings even care about
one another…
Hell, I don’t know ME let alone you…
Who am I kidding?
I don’t know shit.
I feel like a truly insane person even
clinging to this life raft I call ‘love’ in this vast ocean of ambivalence
& unkindness.
I need a miracle. A sign; just one sign to
tell me it’s worth going on.
& I need it now…