Kind thoughts today from my friends.
Thank you.
I appreciate that you understand me.
or at least endeavour to.
You don't want to be me- trust me on this...
but you see me.
& this means a lot.
I read yesterday's blog again this morning, and I wondered; is this not a little strong?
Do I come off as depressive?
I stand by it.
& I'll tell you why.
I was talking to this beautiful guy on the train the other night on the way from Montreal to NS.
A kindred spirit.
When we spoke of in mutual agreement about our accountability as human beings, and our implicit responsibilities to the planet and other people by virtue of the contract of our birth...
& when I told him of my quest for vigilance when it comes to the dark places my human frailties, my insecurities, fears and moods take me...
he asked me, 'aren't you being a little hard on yourself???'
Nope. Just right.
Because I know me.
I know what a petulant child I can be at times.
I got off the train in Truro..
and for a small town, it was pretty tough.
I had a helluva time with directions from people; (internet was hard to find.) anyone would think they had no idea about their own town!
(Maybe there is a reason for that!!)
I was in one bar, and the waitress told me the motel I booked into had closed down YEARS ago!
Not even the taxi driver knew where I was staying!
This is NOT a big town!
And it occurred to me briefly...
like a petulant child, I whined to myself,
'why won't people be kind to me?
Poppycock.
Why the hell should they?
Where is THAT written?
I was behaving like a tired spoiled brat.
Too hard on myself??
Nope. Just right.
If I start behaving like the planet and it's people owe me something just because I choose to step out of my comfort zone...
(Something MILLIONS of other people do ALL the time, incidentally...I didn't invent it...)
No good can come of it.
I should NEVER coddle my tantrums and hissy fits.
nor should you.
I think it is healthy to admit these truths...even the ugly ones.
Otherwise I am just a lie with a backpack.
People have been kind to me for the most part in Canada and the Americas. For some reason...
they like Aussies.
(or maybe they think I'm an ok person too.)
It won't do for me to forget that.
Forget the good things that happen.
& when things just inexplicably WORK.
In those darker moments where they do not.
That's the deal.
For ALL of us.
Thank you all again for taking an interest in my trajectory, and my well being. & thank you for understanding my way.
You wouldn't want me in your spare room, frightening the children and stealing the peanut butter...
But you persist.
& that means a whole lot.
From time to time, I sense people wondering why I speak so openly, so consistently.
I'll tell you again- as much for me as for you.
Number one...it helps a lot.
Number two? I can't seem to stop it. (No good can come from a denial of authentic self. It usually ends up badly.)
also...
When I was a boyish sprog...my father used to say to me...
'TELL THE BASTARDS NOTHING!'.
Right there is number three.
'tell the bastards nothing'? where do I begin deconstructing that one??
Let's leave out which ones are 'bastards' & which are not for now...I suspect being a particularly hateful man- he was talking about everyone.
ok; let's tackle the 'tell them nothing' bit.
Why not?
Why shouldn't I tell you the truth?
What are you going to do...report me to the open heart police?
You can take my word for it...they DON'T have that.
& they never will.
This place is a comparative ghetto I live in.
This skid row of candour and fearless personal inventory.
Being open, searching, seeking the right path...
is NOT as common as the self help industry would have us believe.
It's still on the fringe.
A lot of people are somehow afraid of it.
they might be afraid to see who they really are.
I'm not.
Nor am I afraid for you to see it.
So you can make up your mind if you want me in your life or not.
I'm not fucking anything up...
giving the game away, exposing highly sensitive military secrets.
or losing some intellectual property.
I'm just trying to tell the truth- the way I see it...
as genuinely as I am able.
Because I believe you are worthy of it.
I am worthy of it.
I might not get invited to as many cocktail parties...but I DO find like minded souls along the way.
We can see each others membership cards...in our eyes.
We seem to find each other!!
This sweet guy on the train who said I was being too hard on myself? Well, let me tell you this.
When we took a break from talking...I put my earphones in to watch a show on my computer.
As I waited for the show to load...the fellow took a phone call.
He thought I couldn't hear him...but I could.
He told his friend on the other end he had been talking to a 'fascinating Australian guy'.
What the hell more could a human being want from his last human connection?
What more could I possibly ask of myself?
Stay focused on the path...
have faith in my truth...
keep cool when the weather gets overcast...
& keep making connections like that.
Sure...it's hard work.
Takes courage.
Patience, and persistence.
& vigilance.
It is so tempting to give up hope.
Especially when tired.
I am broken hearted by the developments in Fukushima.
I am mortified to hear stories of Monsanto's stranglehold on the nation's farming community, and the poisoning of the food supply.
I am...
overcome.
at times.
The future looks bleak...
but I MUST be with my brothers and sisters.
& my truth is my gps.
THIS is it.
Frankly...nothing else will do.
