Beastly.

Man doesn't 'behave like a beast to take away the pain of being a man'.  Talk about dignifying of one's own psychological and sexual hang-ups by filtering them through these grandiose literary aphorisms. 

Man simply likes being a beast.

Jonathan Livingston Bat.

The universe has already been proven to be so vast- the enormity is thus far incalculable. 

Why we refuse to see more than just a tiny fraction of it is completely beyond me. 

If I don't at least try to see the bigger picture- if I don't make an effort to get my head around my own teeny view of things-

then I'm nothing more than an oxygen thief.

an intra-galactic criminal.

Under Par.

You can be the nicest person on the planet, and there will be someone who thinks you're a piece of shit. 

You can be the worst prick who ever set foot on solid ground, and there will always be someone who thinks you're ok.

The vast majority of humans are somewhere in the middle. 

In the end what matters most, I think, is how you see yourself.  

Sadly...that will always be a gross underestimation. 

Un-chained.

This was a tough piece to write.  It's an indictment not only of men, but of myself. 

How we as a gender see 'beauty'. 

I wrote it because I saw something that haunted me last week; and this is a response to that. 

I was haunted to such a degree, because it reminded me of some things inside me I have still not yet come to terms with. 

Anger, fear, jealousy, selfishness...to name but a few.

However, I like to think this is a hopeful, healing piece that has helped me to exorcise that demon. It also serves as a companion piece to run concurrently with some themes explored in my book. 

I could not have done it alone.  Thank you to my friend Celladore Violet who has helped me a great deal with some things I have wrestled with all my life. 

There is nothing wrong with passion, or fire...depending upon where that fire is, and who gets burned.  Controlled fire can be of enormous value...and a very beautiful thing.  Balance, control  & letting go of those impulses that seek to devour, demolish & consume...hold the key to our transcendence.  

I hope this is of some value to you, man or woman...



What is it about a man?

That he cannot appreciate beauty without seeking to covet, possess, devour or exploit it?

What is it about our species that we would catch a butterfly, kill it and mount it in a display case in a museum?


What is it about our gender that we are so driven to hunt, capture, seduce, and destroy ANY thing of any kind of aesthetic value?


We seem hell bent on owning things.


To have and to hold them.


As long as we shall live.


Is not an integral part of the beauty of the things we pursue with such lust, such inexhaustible fervour, not their fleeting nature?

Their transience?


The fact that they are...

Temporary?


Perhaps it has something to do with a denial of death. 

The very idea that WE are temporary, too. 


We assuage this upsetting idea, and dull the pain of the reality of it, by holding down, fastening and tying

ANYTHING that takes our fancy.

By so doing...are we not in some way DESTROYING it??


& inevitably, undeniably destroying ourselves?


Our very souls?


And I am not just talking about butterflies here;

This can apply to things inanimate, as well as animate.


What about art?

What is it about art that drives so many to purchase at auction, mount and frame a work of art then seal it under lock and key?

Instead of allowing it to be seen by the masses?


I doubt it has anything to do with the beauty.

Art appreciation for these people is about the dollar value- not the aesthetic value.

It's a power play.


Is there anything more vile than profiting from the passion, the creativity of another?

Putting something in a vault, seen by no one, until it increases in dollar value?  And then letting it out again in order to collect the profit?


This is obscene.

 
It's like real estate.

Nothing is as unreal as 'real estate'.


We own NOTHING.

We merely enjoy it for a while, and then we die.

Why then do we seek to capture, posses, & control beauty?


Art is for everyone. 

Not just a few. 

 BEAUTY is for EVERYONE.


That we should seek to own, posses, traffic and profit from it is a complete abomination. 


We are now drifting away from the inanimate, back to the animate.


The real. 

The living, breathing, walking, talking, thinking, feeling beauty.


That of womankind.

What about the ownership & possession of the fairer sex?


And I am not only talking about the slave trade here.
 
There are so many forms of enslavement. 

As many as there are minds to formulate the intent.

And carry it out.


How many times have I heard it said of men when they fall in 'love' with a woman...

It so soon becomes about power?

Enslavement?

Control?

Dominance and submission?


I recently heard of a man who was so jealous of his girlfriend, and the attention she attracted...

That he killed her.



Basically, I think we can surmise his thinking was,

'If I can't have her all to myself...no one can.'


Total, utter, complete selfishness.

Pathological. 


This incident stuck in my brain.

The woman in question...I can still see her face.

It haunts me.

Of course it is a terrible thing to happen...

NATURALLY I find that haunting.

But there is another reason I find it so disturbing on a basic, fundamental level.

If we men are honest we will know...


that there is a little piece of this bastard in all of us. 


I know there is in me. 

& for that reason...

I knew, sooner or later, I was going to have to deal with this in a blog, and today is the day. 


But thankfully, I don't have to do it alone. 

I have some help.

Here is a beautiful woman. 

Celladore Violet.

If you are a male...

(or a female of bisexual or lesbian persuasion)

Tell me that this woman doesn't excite something in you.

Some moment of...

Entrancement.

Captivation. 

Yes...desire.


And tell me this feeling, however fleeting, is not about...

How much you would love to be with her.

To have her. 

To...show her off.

& take her home.


Forever.


Admit this feeling, however transient, and we will have something to work with. 


This feeling is nothing to be ashamed of. 

It is a sensation that is much older than you. 


Excuse me, US.

It is many thousands of years older than us.


And this feeling, this whole dilemma, illustrates PERFECTLY the reason why I began this blog in the first place.

One of my favourite minds, Richard Dawkins, the noted Biologist and Atheist, said the following, and it has been the cornerstone of most of the work I have done here;

“Be warned that if you wish, as I do, to build a society in which individuals co-operate generously and unselfishly toward the common good, you can expect little help from biological nature.”

OK then; so if this is the case, what can we do to overcome our base nature?  He has an answer for that too; 

“Let us try to teach generosity and altruism, because we are born selfish. Let us understand what are our selfish genes are up to, because we may then at least have the chance to upset their designs, something that no other species has ever aspired to.”

Upset their designs.

Perfect. 

A selfish, primal beast can devour anything, and leave it for dead.

We have it in our makeup, if you like to rationalise.

But if you aspire to a higher place, a better way of living...

A more CIVILISED way...


Then you have no alternative but to make the hard choices.


The sometimes painful choices.

To talk back to our instincts.

Our base inclinations.


But we do NOT have to do it alone. 
  

Believe it or not, women are NOT our enemy.

That is some bullshit we worked up in our own heads.


It's old thinking.

Fuzzy bullshit.

Women want to help us.

What they don't want is for us to take advantage of their better nature.

If you truly want help with this...

Then ask. 


It's as simple as that.

But you better not have an agenda attached.

Nothing will fuck you up quicker than reaching out for help in the spirit of a genuine desire to evolve,

Then allowing that beast to turn, and rear it's ugly head.

We need teachers. 

Every once in a while, we are sent angels to guide us.

This is my sensei.

My teacher. 

We have like minds. 

We have a bond.  

A connection. 

And as hard as it might be to believe it...

It is not exclusively sexual. 
 
I have something to learn from this woman.


I can love her, appreciate her, enjoy her in the moment...

Then I can let her go.


She teaches me how.

& the more I do it, the better I am at it.

& the better I am at LIVING.


I have been with many beautiful women...more than I deserved.

And frankly?

I lost all of them because I did not know how to relate to them.


Quite frankly, all bullshit aside, my primary thinking with each one of them was NOT a gracious appreciation for being with this woman in the here and now, but...


'How do I keep her?

How do I hang onto her?'

Basically- how do I treat her as property.

Own her. 

Keep her all for myself.

This is the worst thinking of all for an evolving soul.

If one aspires to a higher state- we need to learn to overcome our baser inclinations.

To rise above specious notions such as ownership and possession of beautiful things.

In short- in order to achieve transcendence in our lifetime...

We need to learn to let go.


Remember the three questions we should ask ourselves on our death bed?

- How well did you live?

- How well did you love?

- How well did you learn to let go??


It's all about letting go.

Letting go will inevitably help us to die better...

But more importantly- it will help us to LIVE better.
 

We need to be MUCH better at releasing our vice like grip on things, AND people...

if we are to alleviate the suffering in our lives. 


Our suffering...

And the suffering we cause others.


I'm not so sure about marriage as an institution.

I get nervous when people start talking contract.

It's like a sanctioned version of slavery.

 
How many marriages so soon become about control?


Obligation??


Enslavement?

Being mounted in a display case,

or imprisoned?


By being subservient to these archaic, anachronistic notions of human interaction and communion...


WE are the ones who are enslaved. 


My motto is,

'I let you go, in order to love you better'. 


Can we not learn to appreciate beauty for what it is?

Fleeting?


What of these gorgeous mandalas the Buddhist monks create on the floors of the temple?

They work all day, sometimes for days and weeks on these things...

Then sweep them up again.

What of that beautiful woman in the street, on the train, in the bar??


On the internet???


If you cannot see the beauty in this...

The inherent beauty of the transience of art...

of beauty, of life...

of other people (especially women)


Then you are not free.


Until we can learn to appreciate beauty, in all it's glory, without then seeking to satisfy a weird urge to own, possess, control or exploit it for our own profit...

Then we will NEVER be free.   

The Little People

 

There are times when I really struggle with my book.


Of course it's self indulgent to even say something like this, and it is ASKING for howls of derision from the cynical and the loveless.

But in a way, I have to indulge myself by saying it- because writing is one of the most solitary affairs known to mankind.

There is no one else here to bitch at about it.

& no way to do it in any effective, productive way.

That's just the way it is. 


I tell it...

Then in due course, you read it.


So much stuff, hundreds of pages of it that simply refuses to be readily organised into any kind of sensible order. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am not doing battle with it because that is ALL I have EVER done with it.

With everything.


Am I in love with the struggle?

The never-ending conflict?

Will it NEVER be finished?


All questions I'm sure writers ask of themselves in order to defer the process of actually doing the writing.



But I have my little inspirations to prop me up along the way. 

This was said of my hero, Dr. James Orbinski, of medisin sans frontiers, who worked in many war torn parts of the world. Rwanda, Uganda, etc, of his attempts to write a book about his traumatic experiences…

 

"I think he’s working with dilemmas that are real, I think he’s dealing with contradictions that are very profound, he’s trying to encapsulate some ideas that no one has…

 

& I think he needs to find a synthesis of all these ideas, he needs to find a larger look at them as it were…

By writing…you simplify the complexity of the world around you…it’s just what the exercise is all about, and I think that he’s finding that it’s not easy, because the complexity is almost intractable, it’s almost overwhelming…”

I understand this so well. 

& it gives me some hope, sure. 


But I'll tell you what gives me even more inspiration. 


Me. 

Little me. 

 
 
This is little me.


A question I ask in the book, is...

'would you beat this little boy'??


Would you?

And yet I was beaten.

& I never quite got over it- which is why I am writing the book.  

It's the only way left I can think of- & I have tried a bunch of stuff-to come to terms with what happened. 


I'll try anything. 

Everything. 

 
Would I beat this little boy?

I would not.



And yet, in a way, I do.

Every day. 

Punishing myself for not being able to write this book quickly and efficiently.


How long have I been working on it now?

TOO long.

I know that.


But beating myself up over it isn't going to help.


I think part of the process is learning to give ourselves permission to tell the story.


I think we all have to. 

The abused and disaffected. 

We have to find a way to tell it that we can take pride in.

That we can be protective of.  


Because believe you me...

there will be assholes and cunts lined up around the block ready to give you shit for even daring to talk about your abuse.


Like it is something they don't want to hear.

& you should keep it to yourself.


FUCK THEM.


If you feel a burning desire to tell your story?

You tell it. 

DO IT.

If not for you...

Then do it for little you. 

If this little boy came to you a story of trauma and torture, would you turn him away?


If you are reading this...

I doubt you would.


Picture yourself as a child...

In fact, grab a photo of little you if you have one, and study it.


Look into the child's eyes. 

Your eyes. 


Those are YOUR eyes, dammit.


If that child has a story he/she wants to tell?

You owe it to that child to do everything in your power to listen.


When I doubt myself...

Doubt the validity of my story...


I look into the child's eyes. 


This is for him. 



We NEED to set the children free...

     

Hot Dinner Time

When the healthy psyche is assailed upon from all sides by the horror, we rail against it. 

(those who give a shit do, anyway. 

I guess those who don't give a shit shop, watch TV, drink themselves to death, etc...)

And because the perpetrators are usually beyond our reach, we, the caring, the feeling, often find ourselves lashing out at those around us- as if it is somehow their fault.

& if they defend themselves, it is not uncommon for us to say things like, 'you don't care', or 'you don't understand'.


When the pain in their eyes tells us...

nothing could be further from the truth.


They clearly love us. 

I remember that look in the eyes of my loved ones...

As I gouged away at them like a demon with diahorrea...

& it's a look that will send me to straight back to hell, from whence I came. 


& of course, this suits those in charge right down to the ground.

We are doing their job for them; destroying each other. 
 

It's a bit like the prevailing ambivalence of the mostly white power structure toward the black on black gang killings in the ghetto. 


& the more you rail- and realise how you are hurting the ones you love- the more desperate and hopeless it all seems. 

So...

If you're lucky enough to have friends- look after them. 

Take it from someone who has lost more people who loved me than you've had hot dinners.  


& I suggest you carefully hone in on the REAL enemy...


& pile on. 

Today is a Good Day to Let Go.

Today is a good day to let go.

We have it in our thick monkey brains that if we dare loosen our grip- everything will turn to shit.

This is not necessarily the case. 

By letting go...

you might actually be setting something, or someone FREE.

Maybe even YOURSELF.

Letting go may be the most unselfish thing you have ever done.


So...unless you are a rock climber, or a bat or something...

For heaven's sake LET GO.

& see what happens. 


I'll bet it's something better, higher, stronger...


Infinitely more beautiful than you ever imagined.