Polar Disorder.

I was originally going to see the Polar Bears while I was in Canada,

'before they are all gone', I said.  

I was just that casual about it when I told people. 


I had it in my head that I wanted to see them before they were gone, much in the same way John Dunbar said he wanted to see the 'frontier before it was all gone' in 'Dances With Wolves'.

In that grand, literary, ever so heroic manly way.



But in the end...I just couldn't bring myself to motor on up to Churchill, and with a bunch of other rubber necks gloat over and take happy snaps of a dying species. 


I just...couldn't do it.


All of a sudden...as the days approached when I had to book passage from Winnipeg and secure my accommodation...

I was overcome with grief at the prospect of this making this morbid tourist trek a reality.


'Before they die'???  

I don't want to see them before they die; 


I don't want them to die.


I'm a child again. 

A child.

I don't want them to die...


But they will. 

The adult knows this.

It won't be long before they are a distant memory.  

A dream.


I wonder...do androids dream of electric bears??


I wish I could cheer up.

I'm not much fun to be around lately.

I'd like to be happier; & some days I can pretend to be. 


But it isn't long before the reality of the damage we have done to the planet and the creatures on it-

creeps in like a sneak thief on a cold night. 

It's hard as hell to crack hardy when I think about losing these beautiful creatures;

I can't just shrug it off, crack open a bottle of bubbly and dance the Merengue.  


It just seems insane.


So I have resolved now NOT to see these bears before they are gone. 

I want to hold off. 

I want to see them either when they have been SAVED...


Or at the very least...


Die before they are all gone.


I'm not sure I can bear a life without them.