Brain Tumouresque.

There has been a lot of death in the family lately.

We have already established that.

I told someone yesterday I was concerned for my mother- but was NOT afraid of death for myself.

I went as far as to say…basically…I didn’t give a shit about death.

I was ready for it.

The typical macho bullshit some men crap on with occasionally.

Even as I said it…I began to have doubts.

But I dismissed them.

These doubts must have been legitimate.

I dreamt last night I was in a surgery, waiting for some tests to come through.

Of course there were the usual problems with the tests not coming out right, no staff around to talk to, etc…you know how hospitals run. (if you are lucky enough to live in a country where you don’t have to be RICH to see the inside of one.)

Finally the correct tests came through, and I found someone to talk to about it.

A nurse looked at the tests, and said, ‘we will look at getting a special toilet installed in your home over the next few weeks.’

I was dumbfounded. I asked, ‘why’???

She replied, ‘Because you are going to shit yourself uncontrollably.’

I shat myself uncontrollably for time number one. ‘WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT??’

‘That’s what people with a Brain Tumour do.’

My heart discourteously stole the Brain Tumour’s inexorable thunder by stopping.

Momentarily.

Then it started up again, with the questions.

‘I have a tumour?' 

‘Yes, didn’t the doctor tell you?’

‘NO!!’  I calmed myself a little, and inquired, ‘Where is it?’

Then it was that guessing game, as I went through all the regions of the cerebellum. ‘warmer…' the nurse murmured tight lipped as I went through all the possibilities. '...warmer…getting warmer…warmer…’

Finally…I was able to establish the tumour was in my left ear.

Then the nurse had a brain wave- pardon the pun;

‘Come with me, we’ll find a Doctor.’

There’s an idea.

So we went looking for a Doctor.

Suddenly, I became seized with panic.

I let the nurse hurry on out of sight, and I went in another direction.

In a fever, I was turning things over in my mind. All the usual Kubler Ross bizzo; ‘why me, what’ll I do, who’ll look after the kids…oh wait, I don’t have any etc…’

I looked down, and found two cigarettes in my hand.

Oh well, why not, I thought. Can’t hurt me now.

But I did not have a lighter.

I found two women on the street smoking, and asked if they had a light.

They looked at me suspiciously as if I might infect them.

I wandered on alone.

Completely and utterly alone in the universe.

Turns out…I DO care.

All the rest is bullshit.

UTTER bullshit.

So much for my alleged aversion to bullshit.

That, too, is bullshit.

Sometimes- we forget who we really are.

And it takes who we really are to remind us…politely.

I woke up…'ah…it was all a dream’.

Thank God.

What? Now I believe in God, too????

Yikes.

The point of all this?

Watch what you say, if you shoot your mouth off thoughtlessly...indiscriminately...like I do.

Your subconscious might have a different opinion.     

Like me, you might actually find…

You value your life more than you think.

Written with love for myself, & my mates.