I'd send an SOS to the world...except the world is sending them to me.

 

 

I couldn't sleep last night. 

How many times have I said that by way of introduction to a piece of writing?

Too many times. 


Sometimes...I am insanely happy.

Sometimes...simply content with my lot.

Hopeful, and optimistic. 


Other days...I am terrified. 

Shit scared that we are sitting idly by while our future disappears down the plug hole.

I look back over my FB posts sometimes...

& it seems like my mood swings suggest something clinical.

Some sort of bi-polar disorder. 

This of course makes things easy and convenient for therapists and analysts.

Makes people readily classifiable and catego-risible. 

But I think it evades the real issue.


Some days I am optimistic. 

Some days I am not. 

Some days I am happy...

But then other days I fall back into depression. 


And I naturally depressive?

Or naturally cheerful?

Both?  Or neither?

I'll tell you what I think it is. 

I think I am a person who WANTS to be optimistic...

Knows the VALUE to myself and those around me of being jovial and hopeful...

BUT I also know it is a LIE to deny those things which seem perched, ready to send the species to it's doom. 

& who wouldn't be worried about these things that will send us all to our certain death?


A truly insane person. 

& hence...in our doomed attempts to walk a straight line, while being torn from wild optimism to wild pessimism...

We feel perpetually unbalanced. 

I would go one further; I am of the opinion that the emotional prevarication many of us experience in our day to day lives is a replication of the wild mood swings that can be seen in nature...

Seen occurring on a planet that is beginning to show the effects of the trauma we have put her through...

& she is sending the same trauma right back to us.


Right back to me. 

For I can feel it- and it is keeping me awake at night. 
      

I might not be insane.

Perhaps I am a sane person, reacting not unreasonably to insane things that are happening to the planet. 

Insane things WE are responsible for.


I was lying awake, thinking of strange & curious things last night. 

Mainly Fukushima, and the impeding financial crises. 


Should I put my slowly eroding savings into Gold?

Nope...that has dropped 25% in value, and looks set to drop another 25% in the next twelve months.


Then I realised...what am I talking about?

Can I eat gold? 

No. 

It's basic, really. 

I times of crises, when economic systems look like collapsing and our food, water and air are polluted by radiation...

These are not times to be looking at any other investment options but FOOD.

Clean, nourishing food. 

Grains and oats, rice, tinned food, etc.

& shelter.

Supplies of fresh water.


It's getting time to hunker down and dig in. 

I'm sorry to say.


That's the problem with those who are money hungry.

Even when there is lava in the living room...

The Loot Lovers are looking for the next investment opportunity. 


Humans with souls know that without life...

There is nothing else to invest in.


By the time I did finally fall asleep at about 5am...after a couple of little helpers...

I had weird apocalyptic dreams.

I was heading out of a collapsing city (I think it was Chicago) for greener pastures, & I realise that on my way out, the roads were flanked with palm trees like the ones at the start of 'Apocalypse Now'.

I stopped to look at them...

& I realised the City of Chicago had created a Mayan theme park on the highway out of town. 

Suddenly...I was swooped by a Police Chopper. 

The Chopper hovered in mid air...& I watched as the thing hung precariously vertically, as if dangled by it's tail within the thumb and forefinger of God. 

I knew they were in trouble, so I pulled out my camera and filmed it all. 

After that...I woke up. 


This is either a random piece of night time entertainment crafted by an overactive brain...



Or a cry for help. 

Time of Reflection...

  

Tortoise Taught Us...

This is all leading somewhere.

You think it isn't...but if your heart is still beating...

it is. 

The problem might be...you are so used to instant gratification. 

RAH RAH RAH!!!  they all cry.

WIN!!  WIN!!!

Kill the other guy before he kills you!

Survival of the fittest!

& in your down time?

A shot of alcohol to the heart?

The hit of a joint to the brain? 

some crank?  speed?

Even a movie with shooting, exploding, sex and loud music. 

Hit the button...the movie of your choice.

On demand.

DEMAND DEMAND!!

Any kind of high to get the heart beating...

When maybe...

we should slow it down a little.

If you slow it all down...like the Buddhist monks...you will see the little details. 

The little changes. 

The tiny wins.  Almost imperceptible to the human eye.

Rush past them too fast...& you will get a result, sure-

but maybe not the one you heart and soul NEED. 

Slow it down...take a deep breath, look around you, and recognise...

This is ALL leading somewhere good.

Gift.

I heard someone today say she 'Needs beautifying'.

I see you...& I be you.

It is not only women who think they need 'improvement' somehow.

For me? It is weight. An ongoing battle with the midriff. & I fear it has more to do with vanity than health. Sad, really.

Of course...everybody knows...if we do not feel beautiful inside- then any external modification shall remain just that- a battle.

& one we will lose.

I should read my own posts; the other day I wrote about how truth comes from within, not without.

So too does our sense of self.

At risk of sounding like some kind of sufi (I assure you, not for the last time, I have nothing to sell...) you are ALL beautiful.

WE are all beautiful.

Perhaps we ought appreciate our gifts more...lest we lose them forever.

We Can Be Heroes...

In view of how upsetting it is for so many people that I ask questions, challenge the mob, try to see things from all points of view and strive never to make assumptions about anybody without inquiring further- I shall delete the previous post.

One never knows what is going on in another person's life to make them so cruel & thoughtless.  

Perhaps someone has been cruel and thoughtless to THEM.

I would simply ask you to try to think twice- then think again. 

& not get offended if I do it. 

Because you don't know what in my life has led me to think it is so important to TRY to ask questions, exercise a little compassion, and see things from all sides.  

Don't just follow the popular view because it is viral.  Because one day...

the mob might be after YOU. 

I was young and ignorant once- believe it or not. 

And it need not have been because I was abused- I may have simply been born young and stupid. 

I like to think I got better, with time and experience. 

I certainly try; & any grace I might have is borne of the compassion YOU- my friends- have shown ME...even when it was unpopular to do so. 

You know who you are- & YOU taught me how to be kind and patient.

Or at least, try to. 

Just bear in mind for me- if you are quick to judge every young stupid person who did/said/posted something ignorant- then you judge me. 

For I AM- OR HAVE BEEN AT ONE TIME- AS BAD AS ANY OTHER WRONGDOER. 

The quality of mercy is not strained; and EVERONE deserves a fair trial.

I know it's hard to be patient with the ignorant...(& if I have any heroes in this life- one of them has to be my friend Ken Moller, who is patient, understanding and forgiving to a fault...)

& I KNOW he is a role model to me in this.

Which is why I feel it is so important.

It's EASY to like the likeable.

NOT so easy to show compassion for the ignorant, the flawed, the misguided...

Even the cruel. 


I'm certainly no Dalai Lama.  

But I just KNOW I will be a better man for trying.

I know it.

BUCKET-HEAD

It's about time I introduced you guys to "BUCKET-HEAD".

With great Bucket...comes great responsibility...

you...& everyone around you.

While we are on the subject of truth...

Here is another one. 

In the words of the late Phil Lynott...'YOU...can do anything you wanna' do.'

It's not wrong what I say...it's true. 

'But wait',  I hear them say.

'I have expenses!  I have to work at a shitty job!'

Some of these poor misguided souls do everything short of holding their children and their mortgages up to my face. 

They seem to almost wave them in front of me, shrieking 'It's alright for you!  You don't have a family!  You don't owe the bank!!'

Right. 

Those were MY choices. 

Yours were YOURS.



My mother once said one of the wisest things I have ever heard. 

I am paraphrasing, but it went something like this;

"Whether you like it or not NOW...

all your choices were PRECISELY what you wanted to do at the time. 

So like it...or shut the fuck up.

(Mum didn't say that last bit...I did.)


Deep down...people love to hurt others to assuage the pain of the choices they have made.

It's nothing personal.  Just venting.

A kind of 'passing the buck'. 

People tell me I am lucky to live the way I do, and be free. 

Doing exactly what I want to do. 

Luck? 

I am the sum total of ALL my choices- just as you are.

I have made some dreadful choices.  Some of which I am still paying for.

But at least I was FREE to choose.

As were YOU.

Even though it might help you to think to the contrary.

And at least- as badly as it might have turned out-

at least we CHOSE.

Acted. 

Instead of sitting there, paralysed. 

Like stale bottles of piss.


Bottom line?

I am not sorry I did not have kids. 

I am not sorry I am not mortgaged to the hilt. 

I am not sorry I did not marry...& then a few years down the track...engage in a costly divorce.

I made other choices. 

You will NEVER make me feel bad for those choices. 

No matter what you say...

I had the SAME opportunities as you.

Came down the same kind of canal as you. 

I was brought up in a housing commission area, and copped every kind of abuse imaginable.



I am no better off than you.

I might be worse. 

If you are looking for someone to blame...

It 'aint me, babe. 

No one asked you to marry.

It is not illegal to refuse to spawn. 

In fact, given the overpopulation statistics...

it might be better you didn't. 

And no one asked you to subsidise the coffers of some bank to prop up a dream that has turned into a nightmare. 

No one asked you to buy a house.

I don't care where it is, or what it is worth. 

I can sleep in a tent. 

I might get a bit smelly- but I can live in the street.

I have lived in the street.

On a beach!  Give me a beach, and I am happy!


I saw a beautiful tent the other day for under 100 dollars. 

And I drive past miles and miles of land to pitch it on. 

You can do anything you want to do. 

Please don't do what you feel you ought. 

& PLEASE don't blame others for the choices YOU made. 

Have some guts...and OWN your choices.

For to do otherwise...

Is a living HELL.

For you...everyone around you.