Snake Oil Salesman

Sometimes I crap on as If I'm some kind of guru. 

I go back over old stuff and read it- & I see this. 

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself- but I don't think so. 

My bullshit detector is sharp, and I'm always on the lookout for it. 

At home...and away. 

That's fair- don't you think?

Sometimes I speak of 'letting go' as if I'm some kind of fucking expert.

But I think I ought to tell you...

Every day I struggle with my base self.

Every goddamn day- every second of the day...

Listen to this; only five minutes ago, I almost said something unkind to someone.

It came from a hateful, spiteful self satisfied egotistical holier than thou kind of place.

Not at all from a loving, gentle, kind place.

I had to bite the tongue in my head before I spat the poison out.

Who cares where it came from; faulty parenting or the formaldehyde in my lager. 

It comes up...a little more often than I like.

And I have to be on my guard, all the time- so it doesn't get out. 

Like a basket full of snakes- & I really STRUGGLE to control them. 

It's just habit; I guess I can set the basket down...but I have been carrying them for so long...

I actually have myself convinced it is preferable to carrying nothing at all.

Until I set the basket down...I can never hope to love.

And love- like Latin- is a dying language
 
Part of that struggle- what helps me- is this blog.

This blog is pretty much exactly as I intended it to be- right from the very start.

A kind of diary, filled with messages, observations lessons for ME.

It's written like it's for everyone...

(Actually I'm not sure why that is.) 

Maybe because...I figured if I wrote it like I was aiming it at everyone else...

It would seem like it came from someone who knew what they were talking about.

Instead of me. 

Because most of this stuff is NOT what I do...

But what I aspire to do. 

And be. 

Every day.

I WRITE DOWN the man I want to be...

So that one day...it will stick.

So when I say 'let go'...

I'm mainly talking to me.

And it's no picnic. 

Negativity plagues me.

I cannot sleep lately; I'm not sure what the problem is.

But I can tell you this...those negative thoughts slither in like bad company.

And I spend the night trying to fight them, block them, cuddle them...

Yes, even make friends with them...

Until I don't know what to do.

And then, when I get too tired for words...

I pass out. 

I try to let love in...

But it 'aint that easy.

It takes time.

I think I miss the PHYSICAL side of love.

I cuddle a teddy.

Yes...A TEDDY.

Like I did when I was a boy.

It's OK...but I miss having a person, flesh and blood to cuddle.

If you don't cuddle someone occasionally...

You wither up and die.

The boffins have proven this- somehow.

The irony is...until the snakes are all gone....

Love will be too frightened to take residence.

& I don't blame her.

So what do I do?

I keep this blog.

There it is.

I might sound like I know what I'm talking about...

But I write like a person being chased by things that want to take a bite outta' my arse.

Because they do.

One day...

It'll all come together.

Or so Teddy tells me...