Some people just become addicted to the struggle.
I wouldn't know what to do with a happy ending even if I had one.
Drama, right?
Who watches a film without drama? (unless you are a Tarkovsky fan.)
Remember how Bukowski battled right to the end- even when there was no one left to do battle with but himself?
'War All The Time', he wrote?
Peace- like war- is a choice.
I worry that I choose that which brings out the best writing in me.
For it's own sake.
Which makes me no better than the war mongers, really.
Like those people who say you have to go mad to write a decent book.
I like the idea that peace (like LOVE) is an elusive dream...
a will-o-the-wisp...
always just out of my reach.
Something to strive for.
& I am Puck.
Or 'Fuck'.
Because I'm telling you- when I actually GET A TASTE of it...
I always fuck it up.
I remember how when I was a child- marriage between my parents was synonymous with conflict.
Throughout the hammering and screaming from the room next door...somehow it was woven into my consciousness that you cannot have love without war.
I'm still to this day not certain how you can separate them.
Remember how Bukowski came from a traumatic upbringing?
I'm not as tough as Bukowski- I could never hit a woman- but I can see where he comes from.
Bukoswki did finally find peace.
Linda Lee said she saw it in his face when he died.
We're all 'living on luck'.
& the luckiest find that peace a little before their final breath.
Love and war as inextricably connected. what a painful legacy left when our family of origin is abusive, and such a huge albatross to carry when we truly want and deserve to love and be loved. based on the work you have done which you write about here, love doesnt *have* to be an elusive impossibility. Keep challenging yourself. Break the cycle (and thus the power held by dad) by saying "NO" when you are tempted to "fuck it up",so to speak. And BE EASY with yourself when you make a mistake. After all, mistakes are part of the journey. And you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees or stars. Value yourself (easier said than done I KNOW!) and you will give yourself permission to say yes to love.
ReplyDeleteBukowski said 'Love is a Dog From Hell'.
ReplyDeleteI am the kind of person who would pet ANY dog.
Even a dog from Hell.
He might roll over and let me tickle his belly.