OK, I wrote this at 2am, so it should be the truth.

I never told a lie at 2 in the morning.

2 in the morning is a lie.

And so am I.

Listen.

I try to keep fairly positive, but the truth is, well…

Let me put it this way; I usually post exactly the way I’m feeling at any given moment.  & people can tell what sort of mood I’m in by what I say.

I know they can; I have heard them say it.

They must care, right?  To even notice?

Then again, if there is one thing people love…it is to catch someone in their insanity.

It’s a victory for their own mental health.

To catch another loon with his pantaloons down is mental money in the bank.

I’m not here to win points…so I will speak freely.

Loons around my ankles.  

I carry a lot of darkness.  

I know that.  Because it is my truth. 

I feel pretty dark most of the time.

People often tell me to lighten up- right around the time they hit the lights and walk out the door. 

And really…who can blame them for walking out on me?

So…

Why So Serious???

It wasn’t just paedophile priests, abusive parents, corrupt cops & fucked up relationships that bent me outta’ shape; it’s more than that.

I think it is the fact that there is so much hate…

& so little love in the word that has cast a pall over my existence.    

Now…is this reality…or simply my perception?

Is there even a distinction between the two??

You see, I have ALWAYS been sensitive; even as a little kid.

When Dad would kick the shit out of Mum…I used to feel it.

Funny that.

Even more than when he would get around to me.

Look…

I can feel cruelty even when it is happening in a foreign land.

I can FEEL it.

I’m not so sure it’s necessarily a bad thing…

But I’m not convinced it’s all that good, either.

It…

just…

IS.

Times have not changed as I have grown old.

People are still cruel to one another…

& I STILL feel it.  

People are STILL kicking the shit out of one another today…in far greater numbers than I ever imagined…and I feel it even MORE now than I did as a child.

Now…

I would LOVE to be positive, think unicorns and rainbows and Zen Koans…

But all I can hear is the sound of one hand slapping.

If someone is suffering out there…

I can feel it.

I really can.

Well, actually- the Buddhists believe life is suffering.

So…what about love?

More suffering.

I have tried love…but love seems to hurt almost as much as hate.

Sometimes more so.

How the hell do they get so confused?

How do WE get so confused?

I have tried to love unconditionally…but frankly? 

I seem to be conditioned against it.

Maybe I should try loving air conditionally.

Even when I try…

To love, I mean…

When I speak of love- people look at me like I’m an insane person. 

Who wants that?

I’m only human. I don’t want to be ostracised.

For trying to love.

Is it really such a foreign notion?

How long will it stay so?

How long do I have to keep wandering about in the darkness?

Where is everybody?

I am getting to the point where I am wondering if it is really even worth going on. 

A man is supposed to live 70 odd years…but I’m getting really tired; & I’m nearly finished now.

I’m tired of all the hate and cruelty in this world.

I can’t even find much love inside myself any more.

And I have really been looking.

No gallstone unturned.

I can’t seem to do it properly.

Let go.

Let love.

??

I have let go.

I have held on.

I have waved my arms about frantically…

Like a boat person bobbing about in the icy cold waters of disillusionment…

& I have tied them behind my back.

I have jumped up and down, and gone placidly amidst the haste.

I have tried…& I have NOT tried.

I have yelled, and whispered.

I have loved…until it came out as hate.

I have hated…until love broke like new dawn.  

And then realised…it was not love at all.

Camouflage. 

I have hated love, and loved hate.

And vice versatile.

I’m not even certain where one ends…& the other begins.

Who measures that?

And how?

How long does it take?

HOW MANY hearts break??

How many careless whispers, or misheard lyrics?

When the heart strings become jangled…what then?

When do we know?

How long do we beat each other up?

How long do we leave each other alone?

How many quiet places until we realise we need each other…& how many madding crowds before we just go away?

The way so few human beings even care about one another…

Hell, I don’t know ME let alone you…

Who am I kidding?

I don’t know shit.

I feel like a truly insane person even clinging to this life raft I call ‘love’ in this vast ocean of ambivalence & unkindness.

I need a miracle. A sign; just one sign to tell me it’s worth going on.

& I need it now…