Troller Ball Part 5

Please forgive the time it is taking to allow this series of blogs to unfold.

You see…I don’t write a series like a huge essay ahead of time, chop it up into bite sized instalments, & distribute it intermittently.

This feels a little disingenuous. Manipulative.

I promised this series in part was an exploration of self; and as such…there are some things known…& many more UNKNOWN.

Just like life.

So…even though I was certain of the starting point- sure of the kinds of issues I wanted to explore…the precise direction…and the things I have uncovered…have taken me in unexpected directions.

I assure you, I am not very much further along the path than you are.

And in line with this…I have no idea how many instalments this will take…

Nor do I know how it will end.

At least…not in my conscious mind.

My subconscious might have OTHER ideas…

Onward…& hopefully UPWARD. 

So...why???

Why does all this matter????

My persistence with the Boring Group...

Indeed my persistence with human beings at all???

I’m pretty creative; & in the last few weeks, I been fiddling with photos.

But I cannot stay away from people long.

I can explore myself ‘til the cows come home…

But eventually I just have to run myself up the old flagpole and see who salutes.

I NEED to rub up against people again…metaphorically speaking…lest I never get a chance to see what I have learned about the work of art that is I in my absence.

It’s a bit like making a film no one will see.

So…I came to a point where I had enough playing with my camera.

& returned to the bosom of human interaction.

Or as close as one can get to it on the Internet.

Back to the bosom of the blog.

Back to learning about people.

I usually only put ‘quill to parchment’ these days when there is something I feel strong enough to comment upon. Some conflict or other I want to address.

& as you know- I have a PASSION for psychology, and interpersonal relationships; especially where they go wrong. And they have been going awry lately.

Change of season? The Moon? The Sun? The Stars?

Who knows?

I have lost a couple of friends.

And it upset me.

I could not contain myself.

And I worried I might lose more.

Why would it matter?

I spend a lot of my time here not only interacting- but trying to come to grips with the NATURE of the interaction online- what is about it that distinguishes it from the outside world…

And why it affects us so profoundly.

What keeps us here?

Can we not log off and stay away?

Why not?

Why?

I think I summed it up best to a chum during this week, when I said;

“I will say this; I have learned more here than in any other walk of life. I reckon it's a godsend. Yeah. I met so many people...had so many opportunities...travelled so many places...since joining FB. Learned more about myself in 4 years than I did a lifetime.”

Which is possibly why I cannot leave it alone?

It fills a need in me.

How many times have you seen someone on the Internet have a meltdown because someone on the FB treated them with cruelty?

How many of you have said OF FOR FUCK’S SAKE…GET OFF?I know I have.

But I also know I have done the EXACT same thing.

And it matters.

I even write about the experience as if it matters.

So, why?

Because it fills a fundamental need.

As I said only last week here... 

I am always seeking- looking for a better way to be.

Examining the idiosyncrasies and duality of people's natures- including my own-and the way we interact.

Especially online.

i am always learning about myself.

i will never stop.

as long as i am satisfied i am working toward a BETTER me.

would it be preferable to live in a vacuum?

For reasons i will touch on in a second...i think not.

What i HAVE noticed, is this is a process; it seems to me it is a negotiation, between learning about people, learning how to get along with them in an environment in which it is difficult to read people- the real person.

How often do we show the real us?

How many of us KNOW who we are?

I don't claim to, but I am trying.

And it is crucial i do so in the company of others. I think this work COULD save the species.

'Self Indulgent'? Possibly.

But if i did not follow my heart, it would be a betrayal of my humanitarian inclinations.

I listen to people. I talk to them, and hear what they say back.

I try to take on their criticisms when they arise...without losing any of myself.

my own unique personality.

Or it might be something else. 

Is it as it sometimes seems- to ‘fart around’, as Kurt Vonnegut put it?

Possibly. But I would rather say it as I have said before; to learn about life, others, and myself.

Which is why I have a problem with Vonneguts’ quote…

& the boring group.

My problem with the boring group is...i think being boring is a waste. a waste of time, and resources.

waste of humanity.

why celebrate boredom?

(& don't tell me these people are saving the world in their real lives.

Any more than I am. Or they would not be here celebrating boredom.)

so, i decided to 'assert my view'. wrong or right.

However...was this...IS THIS the real reason?????


TBC