It's not easy being patient.
We all want it yesterday.
ALL of it.
It's a common human foible.
Doesn't work that way.
Many of us think we could be doing so much more.
Should ALREADY have done more.
Should BE THERE by now.
That's a mirage; we are judging ourselves and our achievements against those of other humans beings.
No good can come of that.
Before we know it...we fall into a pit of depression from which we might never pull ourselves free.
Fuck that right now.
We are NOT the same.
We are each on our own journey.
Forget what this one or that one did...
so well, and so bloody quickly....
Stop it right now.
You don't know what their lives are really like.
And in any case...they are not YOU.
Success is about plugging away at those things that fan the flames of your passion.
Doing what you would want to be doing if you died today.
And having faith that this choice- or set of choices-
is the RIGHT path for you.
Even though it might not seem to be getting you anywhere...
You must BELEIVE it will one day all come together.
Some random event, chance meeting, cosmic roll of the dice...
& it will ALL make sense.
The trick is hanging in there.
Tricks?
Or tricks of the mind?
How the hell do I know?
I'm in the same boat as you.
I'm rolling the dice...
Betting on the long shot that is who I truly who I am.
It's the only game I can bear to play in this silly business we call 'life'.
See...
even if it all never quite jells...(for some of us die too soon, or never break through for whatever reason...)
It is about learning to revel in your time.
To get to where the struggle...
The journey...
Feels like the 'destination'.
'Making it'.
For then...no matter what...
You will have finally done it.
It's a very nervous night in old Toronto town.
There's a lonely wind moaning outside my motel room, and I think it's calling my name.
It seems to be telling me there will always be moments like this on that solitary open road.
Been that way before...will be again.
It says to take heart...get some rest...
& then tomorrow- keep going.
This too shall pass.
(although it might be for the person in the room next door.)
When these trigger happy cops heard a cry for help...I think they misinterpreted it as a cry to be put out of misery.
These can often be easily confused.
I should tell you...I worked with a lot of cops who plainly couldn't wait to shoot someone.
They didn't work very hard to hide it, either.
This is not common knowledge...but I doubt it's any great surprise to most of you.
Psychological profiling upon entry is not all that rigorous.
Hell, I got in!
So if you ever want help from the Police...
be careful what you wish for.
I notice FEMA had no trouble finding their way to Colorado.
Hmmm...
I met a guy from the Big Uneasy on the plane to Canada who said the New Orleans flood wasn't as bad as it looked on the news, and the place is now back to normal.
Why don't I believe him?
No...I mean, I want to know WHY I don't believe what he said.
Do I like the idea I have in my head...?
The picture of the downtrodden, the forgotten, the disenfranchised, the maligned, the marginalised, the exploited...to the point where I am simply unavailable to any other possibility?
Or is my gut-feeling that he is wrong, actually correct?
And another thing- does me taking into account his fair skin in the light of these comments make me a racist?
Truth is an elusive beast.
We so often tip-toe around it from a safe distance like door-mice 'round a hungry cat.
I guess I will have to go there to find out for certain...
& let's not be so quick to judge.
I have seen our so-called 'justice' system...& even THAT particular strange unpredictable creature...
well, one thing it 'aint is quick.
Why should we be??
I'm watching this one more closely too.
Travel can be a tricky proposition...even in the so-called 'first' world.
Were it not for the kindness of random souls along the way...I would be curled up in a foetal position in some dive somewhere, weeping for my mummy.
In the maelstrom...the eye of the storm...
the comparative chaos that is trying to find the right train or bus or what have you in the capital cities of the world...so often a hurly burly of confusing & disorienting sights, sounds and smells...
in the quieter moments, safely resting behind the 'Do Not Disturb' sign...
the generosity of strategically placed human beings who see me in the right direction shine like diamonds.
They ARE out there.
These are the only riches I seek.
The Japanese have always been a pretty suicidal race.
At one time- ritual disembowelment was all the rage.
These crazy blood-thirsty bastards would fall on their swords at the drop of a chopstick.
I remember as a kid, reading about the author Yukio Mishima and his attempt to inspire a coup d'etat in order to restore the emperor by barricading himself and his fellow members of the imperialist group the Tatenokai in the commandant's office of the Ichigaya Camp- the Tokyo headquarters of the Eastern Command of the Self Defence Forces.
With a prepared manifesto and banner of demands, he addressed the soldiers gathered below, & much to his surprise and dismay was mocked and jeered- at which point he returned to the office to commit seppuku (cut belly) as a symbol of protest.
It was a dog-root. The member of the clan assigned the task of committing the necessary act of coup de grace (beheading) on Mishima as he lay bleeding on the Tatami wasn't up to the task.
After a couple of attempts, another member took over while the bumbler cut his own belly.
The third in line successfully took both men's heads.
(Watch Schrader's movie on 'Mishima'. It's pretty much flawless, and there is a comprehensive edition on Criterion, including many of the high points of this strange author's life.)
Anyway...suffice it to say, I was fascinated by this somewhat anachronistic episode in Japanese history.
You might say obsessed. I guess in the same way young girls romanticise the suicide of Sylvia Plath and misunderstand it to be some kind of grand romantic act.
I am less fascinated by it now- I guess because I have more to live for.
But this Nipponese preoccupation with death, night and blood for so much of their history must have seeped somehow into the collective culture and manifest destiny- much as the radiation from Fukushima is slowly drenching the earth under the land of the rising sun.
So it doesn't surprise me they would sooner or later commit an act of collective Hara Kiri.
I just never expected them to take the rest of us along for the ride.
これはあなたの魂に毒でなければなりません。私たちの魂のすべての時に毒...
(RIP Mishima-San.)
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