I was lying in bed last night, & I heard a loud noise in the next room; I was startled, my heart rate leaped, and my breathing quickened. It was nothing major, but...
I realised...I still felt as though Dad was going to come into my room and thrash me.
Even though he is now dead, and it was a long time ago...I still carry that legacy inside me.
I am a grown man; & it still shakes me to my very core.
I am reminded...I have to find a way to let it go.
This fear deep inside, and all the latent hatred and negativity that go with it.
It was 11:11 when I decided to write this piece.
Armistice Day.
The war is over, time to start again.
Time for all the abused children to lay down their arms, and walk away from the battle.
It is time to flush all the hate, fear, loathing, anger, anxiety, & trauma from our system...
And let love in.
Love is everything.
Love is the lullaby for a wounded world.
Let the healing begin...
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thanks for sharing this. i need to find some peace of my own in certain areas.
ReplyDeleteYou look so much happier than last time I saw you, the last time i commented on a post I got hammered for it but here goes. Love the clean shaven look much better, yes you need to let love in, you deserve that you always have, its all i've ever wanted for you, if I could take back all the hurt i would, please hold onto the let love in feeling, move forward always Honey, take care Cathy x
ReplyDeleteIt can take a lifetime, Todd. There is just no getting around it. But if we apply ourselves to the mission...
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cathy. I will never hammer you again. You helped me more than you will ever know. The fever has gone, and i feel bathed in the healing waters of love.
As a little boy...love was my truth. Even Mum says I was a good little boy.
I soon had that beaten out of me by my father, and by the priests.
I have been SO LOST in my life...but even in my darkest moments...I knew I wanted to find my truth; that truth I drifted so far away from.
I wanted the little boy back. That clever gentle, sensitive little boy who KNEW love was all that really mattered.
It was a long hard road out of hell. AS YOU KNOW!!!! And I knew...I had to find a way to commit to the journey- follow it through NO MATTER WHAT.
You paid a price for my peace of mind that was far too high. But...if it is any consolation...YOU did that for me.
Your life was saved...& in your grace...YOU SAVED MINE.
You do not know it...but you helped me see who i THOUGHT was me...realise it was NOT me...
& gave me the strength to keep going until I found the loving little boy deep inside.
You knew. He was beaten down pretty deep...but you knew he was there. & I knew I had to keep going...alone.
The film is shot, but will probably never be finished. If it had any value...it would have been done already.
People with depression tend to have a problem with ego. Narcissism. We tend to have a bloated sense of our own importance. I thought this film was important. I thought coming to terms with my trauma, confronting my behaviour, and correcting it could be of benefit- a source of inspiration- to other people suffering similarly.
I think I have been deluding myself. If it had that kind of value...you would have seen it by now.
I have had to let it go. I would simply put it behind me and say it is a self indulgent ego trip...but let me tell you this.
IT SAVED MY LIFE.
At the height of my feverish anticipation, I told myself my story could even save lives.
Well, it did.
MINE.
What else could I possibly want from it? really???
The film ultimately helped me LET GO of the past...let GO of who I thought I was (a carbon copy of dad, conditioned by his 'values' and distorted by having my virginity taken from me at FAR TOO YOUNG and age)& helped me find the love i so desperately needed.
The love for MYSELF.
The film doesn't matter. What I imagined for the doco was just that; my imagination. It was all in my mind.
But I am letting it go, and moving on. The past is the past, and there is nothing I can do about it. But I CAN do something about the future.
What does matter, in the end, is that I was able to take a good hard look at myself. ALL of it- truth, not illusion. I dived into the belly of the beast, and I did not stop until I came out the other side.
Yes it took time. Yes, it was painful. But I finally did what was necessary to become a better man.
Funny, I was watching 'Star Trek' & thought of your Dad, and you, and your family. I know I caused a great deal of pain to a lot of people...but you saved a life. If I had remained the way I was...I would be dead.
There are a number of people I know who would rather see me dead for what I have done. But now...Dad is dead. The priest who raped me has admitted his guilt.
And I have set myself free.
God willing...I will never hurt anyone again. Nor will I allow anyone else to be hurt.
One day at a time...
In the name of LOVE.
Yours eternally...
I'm glad you have found love for yourself thats really important. After my earlier post i found the trailer for the doco and to be honest it made me feel like what you said you felt for me was never real compared to some other women in your life. But i get that is part of the illness and seeing this response its all much more clear so thanks for responding, to have helped you in some small way to move forward is significant and worthwhile. I'm so happy that you feel you can move forward and that you feel you have set yourself free, i wish for you much love and happiness. I won't be posting here again.......bye take care follow your heart
ReplyDeletep.s. no child should ever endure what you have
ReplyDeleteThank you. Same to you...
ReplyDelete