'Star light,
Star bright,
First star I see tonight...
I wish I may I wish I might,
Light the night & end the fight...'
I wish upon a star.
Sure, in Darwinian terms, I'll no doubt be eaten alive for it sooner or later.
And you have every right to be cynical, because the evidence in support of this practice...
is simply not there.
Movie stuff, as a good mate always reminds me.
But even in the deepest darkest dungeon...
I'll still be wishing upon a fucking star.
It's this which separates us from the savages.
& I know what a savage is.
I also know a dreamer.
& I know which one is the preferable...
Thank you for taking an interest in my work.
This is in 'the book'...but I think it's worth mentioning here.
One fundamental realisation for me- & the foundation of my work- is that we who have been traumatised in childhood...
have basically been 'torn apart'.
Our soul is literally prised open like a chest cavity during heart surgery.
In that cavity, a poisonous adult can liberally apply huge doses of bullshit.
This cavity gradually closes up, and as the child heals over time...or TRYS to heal...
the bullshit is trapped in there.
It is also re-affirmed at regular intervals by the poisonous adult;
and further, outside the home, we tend to respond to, and are drawn to the more deleterious, harmful influences in most aspects of life.
Further- the infrastructure of bullshit within which we are forced to live- espousing crap like 'the government wants the best for us, cops and war and laws are all good things'-
all seems convincing enough.
Because we have been prepared for dubious bullshit designed to keep us all enslaved.
But at SOME POINT...a little voice begins to whisper to us.
'this isn't right'.
'this is bullshit, and it isn't working'.
But of course, we ignore it.
Over time, we begin to notice we are damaging our relationships, having difficulty with the work we have chosen, the social constructs and the way we have set up our lives.
We notice we are hurting people (& ourselves) with...not just the programming...but the CONFLICT that we have to deal with as a result of the internal war...
the war between who we truly are, and who we have been told to be.
We take this crap out on those who love us.
we hurt them.
& pretty soon...we are alone.
again.
and it hurts.
& it happens time and time again.
and every subsequent attempt to NOT be alone...
we sabotage.
And to kill the pain of that terrible void, this desolate way of life...that is at complete odds with who we are, and what we know ourselves to be,,,
We slowly begin to destroy ourselves.
At some point...you know what?
We have to go back in there.
We have to open up that cavity again, and scrape out all that crap.
Then we have to put some new, better stuff in there.
And a lot of that has to do with re-connecting with our true self- our authentic soul who we were as a child.
Because there was NOTHING wrong with who we were...
that was right all along.
(And of course it takes time to trust who we are, because we have been conditioned to not only mistrust, but simply not like who we are. & when we don't like who we are, we won't like anyone else. Or anything else.)
We have to be open to a new way of thinking, that reconnects us with who we truly are.
Who we truly want to be.
A compassionate, loving, productive member of society.
THIS TAKES TIME.
I'm sorry to say that...we want it yesterday...but this is a long, difficult, strenuous process that requires self discipline, motivation and persistence.
And mistakes WILL be made. There is NO such thing as a magical transformation.
If you are lucky, you will get little realisations...
but that's about it.
And over time you begin to heal, to establish new patterns of behaviour, with loving, healthy, sustainable relationships.
THIS is basically what my book is about.
It is almost finished...
but it feels like I am only just beginning.
Thank you for taking an interest, and I apologise that there have been none of my usual adventures, because I really must finish this book. It's piss or get off the pot time; & if it's in there, by God...
it's coming out- even if I have to tie rope around it's forequarters and drag it out oldshcool.
So, I am sadly confined to barracks.
This demands a degree of introspection, which has seen a rise in some of the other personal blogging.
Steinbeck used to keep a diary of his novels...it's the same type of thing. It's done with a view to keeping things on track.
You don't want people like me banging on endlessly but getting nowhere. Ideally, there should be some sense of forward motion.
I hope that is the case;
I hope this is not more wallowing disguised as healing work.
Let me know if you sense it is the latter.
I'd like to see some inroads. I'd like to see some healthy contributions to the discussion.
I'd like to see some real change.
Everywhere...
Sometimes my heart seems to smoulder like a burning ember.
It sends a dull ache to my shoulders, and down my arms. I keep thinking it's a heart problem, but it's not.
I remember it from childhood.
It's the absence of warmth and affection.
If you have children...please hold them as often and as tightly as you can. Make them feel loved, and safe.
We don't need a world full of burning ember people...
Paradoxically enough, the only thing worse than feeling this is the shame of talking about it.
I can still hear Dad's voice telling me I'm a 'weak girl'. I was never allowed to cuddle my parents. I had to shake hands.
These scars run deep...& the reason I review them in such detail is because, well...it's not exactly a hug...
but it's the next best thing.
Left alone in the wilderness, which is where the burning ember usually find themselves, they catch fire and perish.
We meed a movement...a concerted effort to bring the burning ember people home again...
That would be my dream.
Life is hard enough; if you can't resist the urge to bugger up someone else's existence, then for heaven's sake leave them alone.
(this yen is so ingrained in so many people- especially men- it could take generations to shift.
I'm not sure we have the kind of time it would take to fix it.)
It's called selfishness; & it comes so naturally to so many of us...
this post won't even ring a bell.
Let the blood of the young, dumb and full of come run free...
I think most of us have some affliction or other. No single person has an exclusive patent on illness- mental or physical.
I struggle with a sense of hopelessness.
I feel like a failure most of the time. No need to panic- many people do, and I don't think I'm alone.
Far from it.
But it is never enough for me to need medical attention.
For myself? I prescribe writing. If you have read my blogs, you have my number.
This is my soul work, and my healing. In the absence of friends and family, it's a functional substitute.
I know why I feel these things, and I have faith that working my way out of it is the way to go. One day, who knows, I might be able to sustain friendships and a family of my own.
Some disorders, however, are much more serious.
I sent this comment to a person who is suffering, and I repost it for anyone who may also be suffering.
"This is a serious affliction. Someone with this kind of illness should be receiving specialised care. not fb likes. this is not a post about a sick puppy. I support your attempts to reach out...but i am not a Doctor. & I have tried to reach out to you many times, to no avail. I hope you find the help you need. I have similar issues which I blog about regularly...& I know how isolating it can be. so I feel for you. please get the help you need...proper help. FB is NOT a hospital."
